Layers, texture and letting grief flow

I have a slight addiction to leopard print at the moment - my most recent addition to the leopard pack in my closet were these babies, highly reduced in the sales... I can now dress head to toe in leopard print, complete with scarf!

I’ve always loved texture, a look, a feel, the suggestion of something beneath the surface. A layering of sorts. Layers of leopard fur, layers of tulle, layers of silk, layers of skin, layers of emotion. This week has seen some challenging work around my layers of grief. I will freely admit that for many years after my mum’s suicide I didn’t grieve. I swallowed it down, denied my grief the light of day, told myself and everyone I was “fine!” And pasted a smile on it. But that grief will build inside of us until one day you can’t deny it any longer, it begins to spill out.

I heard it somewhere that long term repression becomes depression. Denial of our grief, of any of our strong emotions- anger, sadness, even joy - can lead to advanced states of mental distress. And suffering through depression myself lead me to seek ways to change my mental state and start to manage the letting of the waters of my grief but in a controlled and supported way. That deep well of grief that lay inside me needed me to start allowing it to flow, and let go. And then at the same time new events will happen and bring new grief, that’s just human experience and life - and thus we have this ebb and flow of our griefs.

These layers and the investigations of what form them, need to be looked at with a tenderness towards ourselves, with trust and forgiveness. And this week was a new nerve for me. A deeper, more introspective view was needed for where I had arrived. It isn’t always easy or fun work but it is certainly revelatory. And necessary. In order to become truly aligned with our authentic selves we must look inward instead of outward- that’s where happiness really lies. Only we ourselves can really make us happy! That’s a decision we can make every morning when we wake up. “Is today going to be a good day?” Only we get to decide.

16 April 2018